After 50 years of marriage and three grown children, if there is one thing I have learned, it is that you cannot live your children’s life for them. They and only they, must solve the issues that arise in their relationships, both in and out of marriage.
That is not to say that you should not be supportive when asked and be available to listen to their laments. The rub comes when you try to “fix it”. It never seems to work and the odds are that the solutions that worked for you at their age, are not necessarily going to work for them today.
No matter how much they share, it will never be the “whole story” due to the parental barrier all kids keep in place to maintain an expected image with the folks.
Some rules I believe should be followed:
- Make yourself available to listen.
- Only offer advice when asked for it.
- If marriage is involved, stay as neutral as possible.
- That means not badmouthing the spouse because:
- They chose that person for a reason and you do not know all of them.
- There is always a possibility they will get back together and you cannot undo something you said about the other person.
- You will have to live with the feathers in your mouth for quite a while.
- If grandchildren are involved that you may ever want to see again, stay neutral.
- Give them space to work things out.
- If you must help, don’t over-do it. The days of coddling are over
- Keep an eye open for signs of depression, as it can lead to other serious issues.
Now, there are exceptions to every rule and sometimes parents must protect their children from abuse and life threatening situations created by the other partner.
There are lessons to be learnt with every situation we face in life. Some are more difficult than others, especially when it comes to affairs of the heart. Hurt is real and trust broken can take years to heal. Just remember that it has to happen from within, when the time is right.
It can be a helpless feeling to stand back and watch, but if the relationship is meant to survive, it will be theirs to fix.
Love, Dad
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